Confidence – a Casualty of War

Confidence n.

1. firm trust, belief or expectation.
2. belief in one’s own abilities.

So easily lost – So hard to find again. One forgets how much confidence underlies the ease with which we make decisions. When you find yourself on a roll and everything is going your way it is easy to decide because you firmly expect things to work out. But what happens when things have not been working out at all? Even if the fault or cause lies not with you, but in your stars. Bad timing, bad breaks or mental illness can all take choice away from you. When you find yourself freezing in panic when the phone rings, well it certainly was not something I chose to have happen. This is not a ‘wrong’ decision but your expectations shift and you begin to believe that anything that happens is going to be bad. And once you start down that road it quickly turns into a steep hill with you rocketing down into the mire of self-doubt. You question every decision, hesitate, firmly trusting that if it can go wrong it will go wrong – for you. Procrastination, flip-flopping, hesitation and avoidance all flow from this loss of belief. And it is far harder to get it back than to lose it since inability to decide carries with it its own set of problems and costs – further undermining ones self-belief.

The only way to get your confidence back is to have things start to work out. But before they can work out you have to DECIDE. You find yourself standing on the edge of a decision, but to you it seems you are standing on a precipice, with no bottom in site. Frozen. It is a long mental journey to get your confidence back and like the journey of 10,000 miles it too begins with the first step. And different decisions can seem to be the beginnings of whole new journey’s. The mental health part of my journey began with walking into Triangle Resources to begin to take their six week course. But to me the precipice was walking down the hall and putting my name on the (blank, clean white) list for one-on-one counseling. As I made choices about how I would work on my inner self and found myself getting healthier, I became confident in my choices about my mental health and so I have a firm belief in the correctness of the choices I make. If I feel the need to go to an al-anon meeting I trust that this is what I need to do and I go. But in some areas the experience has not been so positive. That is not to say that I am making ‘bad’ choices. Rather that the choices I have made have not caused positive re-enforcement that gives one a firm expectation that any choice you make will work out. For example: I have been casting my nets far and wide in my search for employment, without notable success. Now, I do not think I am making bad decisions or choices, but without a positive feedback of some kind doubt creeps in and you find yourself hesitating over things.

I have written about how ridiculous the attitude that a phone is not a necessity in getting a job, not to mention coordinating and running your life. I have felt that I really should have a phone, that it could have a positive and beneficial effect on my job search and life in general. But … without some positive feedback I found myself standing on that precipice again. Need it, how do I pay, positive credit effect of paying bill on time, what if I cannot pay, easy to contact me, no phone tag or missed opportunities, it’s a promise to pay – can I keep my promise? And around and around. Then on Saturday events developed, or is that worked out, so that in effect I was given a clear push in getting my act together and getting a phone. These days I tend to listen to these types of hints, I may not have complete confidence in my ability to decide, but I know when I must decide. Remember:
1. best decision is the right choice;
2. the next best decision is the wrong decision;
3. The worst decision is not to decide.

So when I get a big nudge telling me to decide, I decide. Although I had butterflies in my stomach the day before and a little negative voice questioned some of the decisions I made (phone, plan etc). I am relaxed with having made the decision, it is done, made and in the past and so cannot be changed. I have let it go. The thing to do now is to take full advantage of the communications available to me now that I have a phone, carpe diem (seize the day). By taking advantage of the opportunity the phone represents, the choice (to take the hint) to get the phone becomes positive re-enforcement in trusting that having made a decision it will work out. Making it easier to make and move from the multiple choices that we need to make in order to move forward with our lives as opposed to staying caught on the precipice.

But there are little things that could be done to start building up the confidence of the homeless in order to help them start to make decisions instead of freezing on the precipice. I have witnessed just how much of a positive effect the opportunity to clean up and get into clean clothes has on the homeless. It would not take much to set up a program (a test?) such that some of the homeless have access to showers, the chance to clean up, exercise good hygiene and clean clothes daily. They would start to feel better about their appearance, then themselves and to a certain extent would be wanting to continue to feel better about themselves. Once started down that road they would have to face themselves and some of their choices without an obscuring layer of dirt. Having a clearer view to see what is needed and what choices they have to make. Feeling better about yourself helps give you confidence in things working out in your favour, making the act of deciding easier. Granting the willingness to take a leap of belief in oneself. Getting off the streets involves choices. Mainly the choices of the homeless themselves. Some of the choices the other members of society make have an effect, both minor (daily bathing facilities) or major (offer of employment).

One needs to choose to change. Whether it is a nudge from the universe telling you to CHOOSE or a series of small choices/changes/opportunities that leads to a major life style CHOICE.

The question we need to address is what nudges or help can the community present that enable the homeless to begin to choose and gain confidence in what the results of their choosing are. So that they do not freeze on the precipice but are able to face and make decisions of major CHOICE. It may be as simple as giving them access to cleanliness.