I lost a podmate (roommate) today when he returned to the great outdoors. Lately Income Assistance had been playing their non-assistance games with him; with Income Assistance as the cat and him as the poor cornered, tormented mouse. He began to feel trapped and a prisoner of their whims to the point he was driven to move out onto the streets in order to regain his freedom, peace of mind and self respect.

The sobering, somewhat scary thing is that I can really understand where he is coming from.

I need to get a CPAP machine to make my sleep more restful and revitalizing. However that would require dealing with Income Assistance and previous deals with them have so scarred my psyche that I have a mental block against taking any action that would cause me to have to deal with Income assistance.

Also it was not all that many days ago I was starting to look longingly at the back seat of my car with fond thoughts of the time spent sleeping and living in said automobile. I get a strange look from people who have no frame of reference to understand this point of view when I acknowledge there are days or periods of time when the thought of getting away and living in my car again is so enticing.

I know if I was not myself ensnared in the limbo that is the transition off the streets and getting ones life moving under ones own management, I would lack an understanding or awareness of just how difficult this process can be. I am experiencing it, I have run into the barriers or watched others run into different barriers, but some days the process is unfathomable.

It was so easy when I was young and starting out on my own. I travelled across Canada from ocean to ocean; moved from Southern Ontario to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan without a hitch; moved on to other cities to other employment; moved across country to Abbotsford, BC; all with relative easy. But the move from Mental Illness to Recovery (of the best mental health I have ever had), the move from homelessness and the streets to employment and a home is proving to be more akin to scaling Mt. Everest.

Truthfully, it is beginning to seem that climbing Olympus Mons on Mars (highest peak in the solar system) would be less difficult than scaling the heights of employment and housing.

This leads to frustration, major frustration, and hammers away at your spirit until hope is lost. Caught in the pit of hopelessness you feel like a fly in a spider’s web; your struggles seem pointless, only entangling you deeper into the web you are caught in. The primitive part of the brain kicks in the fight or flight reflex and the seeming freedom of open spaces beckons with its promise of relief.

You bolt for liberty, self-determination and free will under the open skies and the stars of night – so enticing a siren song.

I came so very close to listening to that song myself just two weeks ago. I was thinking longingly of the freedom from frustration and the ability to leave cares behind. There were a few evenings when the craving to seek out a favoured parking/camping spot for the night as opposed to returning to the cell of my habitation was nearly overwhelming.

Living in my car I have to focus on day-to-day tasks: shower, food, laundry, drinkable water and a place to park and sleep. Your focus on merely surviving chases other things out of your forebrain, a kind of enforced mental holiday from frustrations.

Fortunately (or unfortunately?), I had some meetings and other items on my schedule that served to remind me of the goals I intend to accomplish. When one seeks to bring about major changes in homeless, addiction recovery, housing, social and poverty policies, awareness and behaviour I suppose one has to accept that frustration is a basic fact of life. Examining the frustration of my personal situation in the context of the frustration of witnessing the waste of money and lives of current behaviours, systems and policies … well How Important Is It? This Too Shall Pass. One Day at a Time. Let Go and Let God.

When I first heard them these slogans seemed so trite but in listening, learning and thinking about them they became tools to be used to overcome things like frustration and other “stinkin’ thinkin’”.

Because falling prey to stinkin’ thinkin’ is what gets all of us in so much trouble and causes so many problems and difficulties within our lives, community, society, country and the world.

Carrying out some mental hygiene let me adjust my attitude and get back to focusing on what is important – bringing about change. Although I am left wondering if one of the changes I should most seek to set in motion is to get everyone practising good mental hygiene and overcoming stinkin’ thinkin.

So, how healthy and hygienic is your mind?