I cannot say how long I was sitting there in the silence with the letter from the Ministry of Housing and Social Development in my hand but when time resumed its passing I found myself contemplating the question of whether it would be best to kill Rich Coleman or Gordon Campbell in order to obtain maximum efficacy in creating change in mental health, housing and social assistance.

Some will undoubtedly wonder why Health Minister Kevin Falcon and/or Finance Minister Colin Hansen were not part of my internal debate on whom to dispatch, as both these politicians are as deserving of being shot as Coleman or Campbell.

All I can say is to please remember that I was not in the most rational state of mind at the time and it was Minister Coleman’s Housing and Social Development Ministry that had triggered my descent into a less than well state of mind.

Rich Coleman because shooing Gordon Campbell would cause too much disruption; Mr. Coleman would be replaced and politicians emphatically reminded their actions have consequences

Having to deal with Social Development remains a major trigger for me; with the power to take me right back into the very unwell head space that I was in at the time circumstances forced me to first deal with the then Ministry of Employment and Income Assistance.

I was extremely mentally unwell at the point I found myself beginning the challenge of jumping through the Housing and Social Development Ministry’s hoops and climbing over Ministry imposed barriers.

Indeed if I had not been fortunate enough to be part of a group at Triangle Resources at the time I would never have been able to cope with the stress, panic and depression brought on by the Ministry, a Ministry that in theory was suppose to help ,not hinder or worsen my situation.

I would undoubtedly have been among the many in desperate need of assistance whose personal challenges, in my case mental illness, are a barrier that prevents them from being able to navigate the labyrinth of demands the Ministry imposes on those seeking or needing assistance.

Within the mental trauma of that first onerously oppressive experience undoubtedly lays the explanation of the Ministry’s ability to trigger anxiety, depression and panic.

I do wonder why, given the Ministry’s files contain the information that anxiety, panic and depression (along with a few other challenges) are what resulted in my needing income assistance, it is that the Ministry feels the need to include a threat of a reduction in the assistance level in the letter?

Just in case the threat to housing etc was not enough to induce anxiety and panic the letter included a request to complete and submit the attached SSC form – which was not attached

Dealing with the repercussions that the threat of homelessness had upon me has made it far more of a challenge to gather and submit the demanded information and avoid sliding back into homelessness or into hospitalization.

It had been a long struggle back to balance and wellness from the effects the unusually high heat of last summer had on the effectiveness of my medication; the sweltering heat then proceeding to mess with my mind and mental health.

In our portion of Fraser Mental Health access to psychiatric help is a very limited resource. A referral by your doctor gets you onto the waiting list and means you will get to see a psychiatrist – in 9 months if you are fortunate.

So when my mental health went off a cliff and plunged downward, the reality was that if I was to avoid a major mental health crisis/breakdown the tools and plans I had gained working on my mental health would have to suffice to permit me to attain balance and wellness. Unless I turned suicidal or homicidal; whereupon I would attain access to psychiatric services at Abbotsford’s shiny new hospital.

My mental state was not helped by a visit to the doctor’s office in the fall. The doctor I had begun my quest for mental health with had left the practice to work at the hospital. In light of how difficult it is to find a family doctor in Abbotsford, I was relieved to be able to see another doctor in the practice that could renew my prescriptions.

Needing to have my prescriptions renewed I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to also ask the doctor to fill out the physician portion of the disability application and for a referral to a psychiatrist.

I had resisted filing out the paperwork for disability because it felt akin to conceding defeat on the employment front. However the hard economic reality in my life is that the rising costs of living mean I can no longer afford to worry about whether disability is an admission of defeat. In order to avoid becoming homeless once more I need to increase the amount of cash that is flowing in. Under the rules of the Housing and Social Development game, applying for disability is the option open to me to increase income to cover the increased (and increasing) costs of living.

Having secured the renewed prescription I enquired about getting the physician portion of the disability application completed.

Whereupon I was informed that mental illness was not a disability; that a disability would be if I was missing a few limbs, confined to a wheelchair or had the mental acuity of a cumquat and needed someone to change my diapers or dress me.

Considering the havoc that mental illness had inflicted on my Life over the past decade and the toll it has extracted over the course of my life it came as quite a surprise to be informed that mental illness was not a disability.

When I moved on to the matter of a referral to a psychiatrist I was not impressed to be told to go to mental health to get referred to a psychiatrist.

Needless to say this visit to the doctor did nothing to improve my deteriorated mental health.

Indeed other health and mental health professionals I spoke to about what occurred during my visit with the doctor suggested that the best thing I could do for my mental health was to find a new doctor.

I deferred seeking a new doctor to focus on working my way back to balance, wellness and serenity. Late summer, fall and the first months of winter were a struggle to move towards mental health and not slid into crisis and the hospital.

Having an array of wellness tools, plans on what to do to when being in an unhealthy headspace, good mental hygiene practices and a good support system allowed me to find mental balance.

Looming deadlines for a training curriculum I was part of developing – no sweat. Getting modules of the curriculum for editing late in the evening when they had to be in for printing for class by 8AM – no problem. Pulling out of the Husky station on Trethewey and the large steel plate the contractor for the City of Abbotsford put down take out my exhaust system – chill and patch it until I can bill the city to have the needed repairs done. Two hours in a dentist’s chair watching the instruments of destruction go into my mouth and emerge bloody as a wisdom tooth is broken up and removed – sigh. Dropping into a medical clinic to have my neck sliced open and drained because the wisdom tooth has caused an old infections site to flare up, a reoccurring problem that was the result of less than adequate medical treatment at new hospital emergency room – annoying.

I had reached a place of mental balance and wellness where all these were issues to be handled.

But opening and reading the letter from Housing and Social Development severed me from the normal flow of time and space; totally upsetting my mental balance.

So it is that I find myself facing the need to find a doctor to fill out the required medical report; to obtain and complete the SSC form (whatever that may be); to deal with the questions and issues arising from the summer/fall/winter mental health challenges; the need to attain disability and the extra money that represents before ending up homeless again …

A somewhat daunting set of tasks to achieve except …. shoot a politician and one gets immediate access to psychiatric treatment and help; you have case managers and other resources to deal with or help you deal with Housing and Social Development and applying for disability. Indeed shooting a politician opens doors and produces numerous benefits.

Is this not a situation replete with ironic justice and black humour?

Politicians have created Housing, Social Development and Mental Health systems where the quickest, most effective way to get the mental health help one needs …… is to shoot a politician.

Now if that is the system that works for the politicians … … I can work with that.