Primal Scream!!

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That feels much better. I use to keep things bottled up but that renowned teacher, Experience, has taught me that letting frustration build up is to invite Mr Depression for a most unwanted, unpleasant visit. So I make it a point to “let go” of what is frustrating me – ASAP.

This matter has proved to be a recurring frustration. Rather than repeating over and over what has not worked hoping for a different outcome, insane behaviour, I thought I would try a different, perhaps very different approach.

The roots of the matter draw their nourishment from stereotyping, a beloved tradition in human society. The depth and breadth of this behaviour and the myriad of problems that it causes is reflected in the choices made in planning the Supported Independent Living spaces. The landlord had once had a negative experience (PORN) in providing access to the internet to the homeless.

So it was, having the desire not to repeat this experience, they judged that none of those needing help to transition from homelessness to being domiciled would have a legitimate (non porn/dating sites) need to access the internet. This judgment was likely influenced by the fact that, at least at this location, the organization is somewhat computer challenged.

Thus it was that I quickly found the joy of once again having access to my old computer, once I was no longer living in the car but a room with … electricity, giving rise to frustration over the lack of internet access. Yes I could now write articles even when community free access computer sites were closed and without time limits but then I had to hunt for somewhere to upload to the internet what had been written. Not to mention all the documents and material I have to find someplace to download. For so much than I am involved in and pursuing internet access is vital.

Even an organization with wide contact with homelessness fell prey to stereotypes of the homeless, thus denying access to the internet to those of us (yes more than one, not just me) to whom the internet is a vital tool in getting connected to others in the community and back into the community. Bringing focus on just how daunting the task of trying to get people to look beyond what they “know” and the stereotypes this “knowledge” gives rise to. Because if we truly want to begin to address the crises of poverty, homelessness and affordable housing we must get people to look beyond stereotypes and see the reality of the situation.

I have jokingly (a kind of laughing past the grave) said that before I end up homeless again I want to make sure I have a station wagon for more sleeping room and a laptop computer for computer and internet (via hot spots) access. Having a laptop in a city with many “hot spots” would be almost as good as having an actual internet connection.

Compounding this desire for a new, high-powered, loaded to the gills with software laptop is my old computer. Now it is not that I have been remiss in upgrading this computer I have, even recently scraping together the cash to take advantage of a great sale to install a 100G hard drive. The main problem lies with my software most of which is 4+ years old – a lifetime for software. Further complicating this whle mess is the effect SP2 has had on the XP operating system, resulting in many of my programs either running agonisingly slow, not fully working and for several most important pieces of software not functioning at all.

One fortunate aspect of my recovering mental health is friends so I was able to scavenge a carcass together with enough bits and pieces to get a second computer up and running the 2000 operating system and thus able to run the XP unusable software. Not an elegant solution but a workable solution, especially with my extremely limited resources. And one that would be much easier, much less frustrating to live with if it were not for my lack of internet access.

So it is that dreams of a high-powered, software loaded internet accessible laptop have me drooling over sales flyers containing laptops and suffering the pangs of frustration, up to being very, very frustrated – particularly when having to wait several days to download documents so that I can open them at all. Not to mention the extra frustration of being limited to effectively no internet research time or abilities.

I have tried to deal with this frustration in more, shall we say traditional methods. To no avail. Since I am just over a really black and nasty visit from Mr Depression, I want to take no chance of this increasing frustration inviting Mr Depression back soon for another visit.

When traditional, accepted methods failed to help me let go – it was time to get creative, very creative. I have some small, soft clay figurines that you carry around and then put under your pillow at night. You let one soak up the negative energy and then put it outside and the wind, rain and sun slowly dissolve it and your troubles. There is also the practice of writing down what troubles you, setting the piece(s) of paper on fire and letting the problems drift away the winds with the smoke.

It felt/feels right that since my frustration is so connected to cyberspace (or a lack of connection to cyberspace) a more creative, modern approach was necessary. Thus it is that I come imbue these words with my frustration by uploading them to the web, posting them to the web and into cyberspace, setting them sail, upon the electron winds of cyberspace.