As our organic spaceship Earth hurtles towards the start/finish line of its annual circumgyration of Sol at 107,000 km/h we race towards the point we can say sayonara to 2018.
The best that can be said about my 2018, beside that it is kaput, is that it failed to reduce me to the dogmatic babbling of total cognitive surrender.
As 2018 pops up in our rear view mirrors may 2019 please accept without obligation, explicit or implicit, my best wishes for a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of this calendar year of the Common Era, but with due respect for the calendars of all cultures or sects and for the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.*
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Accessories sold separately. Actual message may differ from illustrations on pages. All rights reserved. All screen images are simulated. Allergic reactions may include hives, difficulty breathing, wheezing and rash. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. American bills are acceptable. Any judgments you make will be based on the information you have provided you about yourself, which is probably vague, incomplete or embellished. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental.
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This wish may contain flashing lights which may potentially trigger seizures in people with photosensitive epilepsy, who may experience seizures while watching some kinds of television pictures or reading alarming legal explanations. People who have not had any previous seizures may nonetheless have an undetected epileptic condition.
Apply only to affected area. Approved for veterans. Article is provided “as is” without any warrantees. At participating locations only. Avoid contact with eyes and prolonged or repeated contact with skin. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place.
Batteries not included. Beware of dog. Booths for two or more. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Call toll free number before digging. Caution, wide turns. Caveat emptor. Caveat venditor too. Check here if tax deductible. Close cover before striking. Colors may fade. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Contents may settle during shipment.
Dealer participation may affect actual wish. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. Do not breathe vapors. Do not disturb. Do not drive after reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. Do Not Feed The Animals. Do not immerse in water. Do not place head through towel loop. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit and below 49 degrees Centigrade. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Do not run with scissors. Do not stamp. Do not store or use near heat, sparks or open flame. Do not try this wish at home. Do not use in an area where moisture is present. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Do not write below this line. Door must remain unlocked during business hours. Driver does not carry cash. Drop in any mailbox.
Employees and their families are not eligible. Enter at your own risk. Falling rock. First pull up, then pull down. For a limited time only. For best results process promptly. For educational purposes only. For external use only. For off-road use only. For office use only. For recreational use only. For topical use only; do not take internally. Freshest if eaten before date on carton.
Wish-maker does not warrant or assume any legal liability or responsibility for the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information, apparatus, product, or process disclosed. Grammar and punctuation in disclaimer is left as an exercise for the reader. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Harbormaster must approve all dockage. Harmful if swallowed. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk. If blurred vision occurs, flush eyes with water. If condition persists, consult your physician. If found, return to sender. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. If you are not the intended recipient, do not read. Ignorance is no excuse. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail.
Just add water. Just kidding. Keep away from fire or flames. Keep away from sunlight, pets, and really really small children. Keep children with you. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep right except to pass. Limit one-per-family please. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. List at least two alternate dates. List each check separately by bank number. Wish was current at time of printing. Ask for senior discount. Lost ticket pays maximum rate.
Many suitcases look alike. May be too intense for some viewers. May conduct electricity; never place directly on electrical equipment. May contain peanuts or milk products. Must be 18 to enter. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No American coins. No animals were harmed in the production of this wish. No artificial flavor, MSG or coloring added. No Canadian coins. No lifeguard on duty. No money down. No passes. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. No postage necessary if mailed to a Canadian Member of Parliament. No preservatives added. No purchase necessary. No refunds without receipt. No right turn on red. No shoes, no shirt, no service. No solicitors. No standard monitoring is required. No substitutions allowed. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Not liable for damages due to use or misuse. Not recommended for children. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform this wish.
Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. One half hour earlier in Newfoundland. One size fits all. Open other end. Opinions are neither copyrighted nor trademarked. Other copyright laws for specific entries apply wherever noted. Other restrictions may apply. Package sold by weight, not volume. Parental discretion advised. Past performance does not predict future results and people can and do lose money. Penalty for private use. Place stamp here. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Please step to the rear of the elevator. Poetry not accepted. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Post office will not deliver without postage. Prerecorded for this time zone. Press any key to continue. Price does not include taxes. Prices subject to change without notice.
Privacy Notice: The contents herein are intended solely for the intended recipient. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Processed in a facility where nuts are present. Professional wish-maker used in simulation.
Quantities are limited, while supplies last. Read at your own risk. Reader assumes full responsibility. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Recording prohibited. Replace with same type. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sanitized for your protection. Santa Claus is keeping a list. Sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken. See label for sequence. Send a self-addressed stamped envelope. Send no money now. Serial numbers must be visible. Shading within a garment may occur. Shipping and handling extra. Shock hazard. Shut off motor – No Smoking. Simulated picture. Slightly enlarged to show detail. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Slippery when wet. Small parts may present a choking hazard. Some assembly required. Some equipment shown is optional. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Stop, drop and roll. Subject to change without notice. Subject to Customer Agreement and credit approval. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.
That dog won’t hunt. This wish is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. This is a disclaimer. This is not an offer to sell securities. This is only a test. This offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted, which includes 98% of the world. This product is meant for educational purposes only. This supersedes all previous notices. Times approximate. Traffic fines doubled in construction zones.
Unauthorized copying strictly prohibited. Use only as directed. Use only in a well-ventilated area. User assumes full liabilities. Wear protective eyewear when using. Wish is provided “as is” without any warranties expressed or implied. You may distribute this message freely but you may not make a profit from it. You must be present to win. You must be this tall to enter this ride. You need not be present to win. Your canceled check is your receipt.
This wish does not constitute or function as legal, medical, psychiatric, veterinary, gynecological, archaeological, astronomical, astrological, ontological, paleontological, philosophical, axiological, audiological, bacteriological, mineralogical, criminological, terminological, dermatological, ecclesiastical, campanological, phrenological, phonological, technological, hematological, campanological, neurological, psychobiological, urological, ufological, typological, mythological, hydrological, xylological, zoological, logical or any other kind of professional advice.
If you require a professional wish, please contact your local bar association, law society, neighborhood association of jurists, medical board, county hospital, phone book, online directory, local emergency number in your jurisdiction, mother or Google to find a or obtain a referral to a competent professional. If you do not have reasonable means of contacting an attorney-at-law, lawyer, civil law notary, barrister, solicitor, medical professional, coroner or any other professional in the area of your inquiry, meaning you are an orphaned, computer-illiterate social hazard, please exit this wish and get your life in order.
And, of course, your mileage may vary.